Cram

For the first time in a long time, while driving my truck down I-10 yesterday headed towards Baton Rouge, I rode in complete silence for over two hours. Except for the sounds of my truck & vehicles around me, there was no other sound. No radio. No singing. No talking.

I took in the sights of the things that had become a monotonous background to me. I still didn't see everything. I still had to drive, but I did find myself staring to the left & right for 20-30 seconds @ a time @ things that I've missed.

It was an experience that I needed. It was tough to think about doing until I just reached up & turned off the radio while my brain screamed 'No!'.

My life is lived way too fast. I live it in a way so that I don't miss anything; however, I end up missing the things that I really should be paying attention to. I cannot remember the last time I was truly relaxed. Every couple of days, the muscles in my neck nearly lock up to the point that any movement can be excruciating...it's stress.

The two hours from yesterday were my first attempt @ sabbath. It's hard because I'm trying to fit stress into my life. I need to turn it around. If I'm to do that, then I would first need to stop. I don't have time to stop or so I think.

I spend time trying to learn everything about the software that I work w/ so that I can be knowledgeable about everything so that I can make myself more marketable. No way I'll know it all. The software has been in development since the early 1990s, yet I still try & learn it all.

I try and figure out what I'm doing all of this for.

I realize that while I'm always looking back on the fun times & trips that I had w/ my family growing up I realize that I'm not making any new ones w/ my own family.

It seems as though my stress level is directly proportioned (exponential @ times) to the amount of effort I put into trying to manipulate/control things that I have absolutely no power over at all. Am I trying to cram more stuff in or hold on to the things I have?

I just finished a major task on our project last night. I finished up around 2am. I was up for almost 22 hours yesterday. I got 4 hours sleep last night.

The problem w/ all of this...I'm teaching my family how to do the exact same thing.

If I were only able to put my full trust in God, I'm sure things would be different; however, I just have a hard time believing it although I know that it to be true. Just makes the words of Cage The Elephant ring true:

There ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
I know I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
There ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

Every entry that I've written here has been during my time in Baton Rouge. I very rarely pull up our personal laptop @ home. I'm just tired of dealing w/ computers. I've been coding on computers since I was in the 3rd grade.

I need a break.

I believe the time I spent taking a break yesterday was beneficial in helping me find the next step in my path to something that I believe will be a tremendous breakthrough for God's work as far as I'm involved. I believe that I will finally have the true relaxation that I'm lookiing for when I'm sold out in service to God.

Patience

Crazy Love. Nehemiah. Sabbath. Sex God. Revelation. The Kingdom. Mastering the Art of Living. Advent. Marriage. Personal/spiritual growth. Strengths. Weekend to Remember. Personality Profile. Fastastical. Desire. Perspective. Hope. Relationships. Giving. Purpose. Serve. Worship. Communion. Lent. Family. Community. Holistic. Mission. Christian.

Over the past year, I've learned more about all of these things. The common thread between them all was I was involved and God was there every step of the way...he created it all...only makes sense that he was there. It wasn't always so clear to see him @ work.

That first paragraph is very telling when I look back. I thought that through this past year dating to when I first started attending missional community w/ Ecclesia-Clear Lake that I was really growing & learning about God. What I'm realizing is that this past year has been about recognition. There are so many ideas that are running through my head about what how I've recognized this/that along the way. Mainly, I'm able to do a true self-evaluation of who I am, and, as I dig deeper, I see how God has intertwined hisself w/ the very fibers of my being.

I've come to see that the dreams that I have had for so long could be attained, oh yeah, but they were going to be difficult w/out God. The funny part is that most of those dreams don't seem to be in line w/ what God wants for me anyway. I could attain my dream & not have anyone to celebrate it w/. How hollow a victory would that be?

Now, just because I've learned all of this stuff over the past year doesn't mean that I'm done learning nor do I know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing "to find my place in this world". I'm not really looking to find the "place" I'm supposed to be. What I do know is that I'm supposed to serve. I don't know who, what, when, where, why, or how long.

I cannot remember the last time I stopped and acknowledged who God actually is == Sabbath.

I'm working to apply all of those things from the first paragraph to my life. There are areas of my life that I thought were getting better as I was learning, but I was not really changing--merely understanding the "why" behind many of my actions/emotions. Nothing very difficult has really been put in place. Does that mean that I'm not growing as fast as I should? No, it means that I'm growing. No measuring sticks here. Striving to live like I should.

There are times I wish that God would give me a vision, a sparkling clear 102" HD version of my life that he wants me to live. It would be so much easier to know what decisions that I'm supposed to make although the decisions themselves wouldn't be easy (I'm guessing).

Why doesn't God send us visions like he did to his folks in the bible? Through out your scholarly responses, faith-blocking sin, etc... God, why don't you just give me a dvd of my week ahead so that I don't have to guess/stress? Why did you make us a present-living creature? Yeah, dependence on you. I got it. Why give non-detailed biblical instructions that apply to each of us? Why not give us each a life-guiding gps dream once we make the decision to follow you?

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Is that it? I'm not totally sold out & you'll only reveal a little piece of the puzzle @ a time? Our gps is faith? Ok, biblically I can understand it, but it really sucks because it doesn't give me the whole story.

I still haven't added one item to the first paragraph because I'm still working on it...

Patience.