Cram

For the first time in a long time, while driving my truck down I-10 yesterday headed towards Baton Rouge, I rode in complete silence for over two hours. Except for the sounds of my truck & vehicles around me, there was no other sound. No radio. No singing. No talking.

I took in the sights of the things that had become a monotonous background to me. I still didn't see everything. I still had to drive, but I did find myself staring to the left & right for 20-30 seconds @ a time @ things that I've missed.

It was an experience that I needed. It was tough to think about doing until I just reached up & turned off the radio while my brain screamed 'No!'.

My life is lived way too fast. I live it in a way so that I don't miss anything; however, I end up missing the things that I really should be paying attention to. I cannot remember the last time I was truly relaxed. Every couple of days, the muscles in my neck nearly lock up to the point that any movement can be excruciating...it's stress.

The two hours from yesterday were my first attempt @ sabbath. It's hard because I'm trying to fit stress into my life. I need to turn it around. If I'm to do that, then I would first need to stop. I don't have time to stop or so I think.

I spend time trying to learn everything about the software that I work w/ so that I can be knowledgeable about everything so that I can make myself more marketable. No way I'll know it all. The software has been in development since the early 1990s, yet I still try & learn it all.

I try and figure out what I'm doing all of this for.

I realize that while I'm always looking back on the fun times & trips that I had w/ my family growing up I realize that I'm not making any new ones w/ my own family.

It seems as though my stress level is directly proportioned (exponential @ times) to the amount of effort I put into trying to manipulate/control things that I have absolutely no power over at all. Am I trying to cram more stuff in or hold on to the things I have?

I just finished a major task on our project last night. I finished up around 2am. I was up for almost 22 hours yesterday. I got 4 hours sleep last night.

The problem w/ all of this...I'm teaching my family how to do the exact same thing.

If I were only able to put my full trust in God, I'm sure things would be different; however, I just have a hard time believing it although I know that it to be true. Just makes the words of Cage The Elephant ring true:

There ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
I know I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
There ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

Every entry that I've written here has been during my time in Baton Rouge. I very rarely pull up our personal laptop @ home. I'm just tired of dealing w/ computers. I've been coding on computers since I was in the 3rd grade.

I need a break.

I believe the time I spent taking a break yesterday was beneficial in helping me find the next step in my path to something that I believe will be a tremendous breakthrough for God's work as far as I'm involved. I believe that I will finally have the true relaxation that I'm lookiing for when I'm sold out in service to God.

Patience

Crazy Love. Nehemiah. Sabbath. Sex God. Revelation. The Kingdom. Mastering the Art of Living. Advent. Marriage. Personal/spiritual growth. Strengths. Weekend to Remember. Personality Profile. Fastastical. Desire. Perspective. Hope. Relationships. Giving. Purpose. Serve. Worship. Communion. Lent. Family. Community. Holistic. Mission. Christian.

Over the past year, I've learned more about all of these things. The common thread between them all was I was involved and God was there every step of the way...he created it all...only makes sense that he was there. It wasn't always so clear to see him @ work.

That first paragraph is very telling when I look back. I thought that through this past year dating to when I first started attending missional community w/ Ecclesia-Clear Lake that I was really growing & learning about God. What I'm realizing is that this past year has been about recognition. There are so many ideas that are running through my head about what how I've recognized this/that along the way. Mainly, I'm able to do a true self-evaluation of who I am, and, as I dig deeper, I see how God has intertwined hisself w/ the very fibers of my being.

I've come to see that the dreams that I have had for so long could be attained, oh yeah, but they were going to be difficult w/out God. The funny part is that most of those dreams don't seem to be in line w/ what God wants for me anyway. I could attain my dream & not have anyone to celebrate it w/. How hollow a victory would that be?

Now, just because I've learned all of this stuff over the past year doesn't mean that I'm done learning nor do I know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing "to find my place in this world". I'm not really looking to find the "place" I'm supposed to be. What I do know is that I'm supposed to serve. I don't know who, what, when, where, why, or how long.

I cannot remember the last time I stopped and acknowledged who God actually is == Sabbath.

I'm working to apply all of those things from the first paragraph to my life. There are areas of my life that I thought were getting better as I was learning, but I was not really changing--merely understanding the "why" behind many of my actions/emotions. Nothing very difficult has really been put in place. Does that mean that I'm not growing as fast as I should? No, it means that I'm growing. No measuring sticks here. Striving to live like I should.

There are times I wish that God would give me a vision, a sparkling clear 102" HD version of my life that he wants me to live. It would be so much easier to know what decisions that I'm supposed to make although the decisions themselves wouldn't be easy (I'm guessing).

Why doesn't God send us visions like he did to his folks in the bible? Through out your scholarly responses, faith-blocking sin, etc... God, why don't you just give me a dvd of my week ahead so that I don't have to guess/stress? Why did you make us a present-living creature? Yeah, dependence on you. I got it. Why give non-detailed biblical instructions that apply to each of us? Why not give us each a life-guiding gps dream once we make the decision to follow you?

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Is that it? I'm not totally sold out & you'll only reveal a little piece of the puzzle @ a time? Our gps is faith? Ok, biblically I can understand it, but it really sucks because it doesn't give me the whole story.

I still haven't added one item to the first paragraph because I'm still working on it...

Patience.

I don't know

When I start to write, I don't give it a title until I am done because the words usually go in a totally different direction than I originally intended. Same goes here.

As I randomly have time to write, I'll look @ what is on my mind or is directly in front of me and ask 'Why?'. Powerful word. Dangerous. Life-changing. Don't taunt the answers it gives you if you actually pay attention after inquiring. Listen to your children will give you plenty of practice dealing w/ the question. Sometimes, after you've exhausted your knowledge to them, the answer is "I don't know".

Why?

(listening) As I was getting ready to write here, I started w/ an idea in mind of what I I was going to write & the 'why' behind it. As I started to question the 'why', I realized there was more to it so I changed the title I was thinking about. Yep, I changed it at least three times. I don't know what it should be now. I guess we'll see @ the end.

Why?

(where are you) As I set here today, I take stock of my life as I normally do on Tuesdays. Imagine "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" just w/out all of the funny stuff. I'm tired. I drove in from Houston to Baton Rouge yesterday morning & sat @ work for seven hours before breaking to leave a little after 7pm so that I could grab dinner from Raising Cane's (no, I didn't really want to eat there) and go back to my hotel to work for another two hours. My workload today isn't very heavy. Tomorrow it'll spike, and I'll be in the zone I normally get into when the pressure is on.

Why?

(dig deeper) I realized I have been conditioning myself for years to cram as much "life" into my 24 hours as I could. I have to get ahead. I don't have time to be tired. I have to fill that time w/ productive work, so that @ the end I can take an extended break from whatever. If I'm not doing something, I'm falling behind. My anxiety grows. I can feel the sweat forming on my forehead.

Why?

(keep going) Well, I want to take a break, but I want to earn it. I don't want to be labeled lazy. I want to provide my family w/ the best so that they don't have to worry about their provisions. I want to be known as a dependable, hard worker. I want to be a great husband and father. I don't want people to have anything to complain about when it comes to me.

Why?

(don't stop now) It will make my life easier. I'm not really spending the majority of my time doing something that I really enjoy. I miss spending quality time w/ my family. I want to make their life easier so they don't have any reasons to not spend time w/ me. I want to spend time w/ my friends but don't want them to have excuses either. If I can do all of these things for them, then they can have the time to spend w/ me.

Why?

(now you're rolling) These are things that "I" want. I haven't said anything about God in here @ all. I had moments where I needed to "fill" my life w/ something where I wouldn't fall behind. I needed to stop & take that sabbath time. A 24-hour sabbath is incomprehensible to some folks, like me, but I know that I can take "sabbath moments" to acknowledge God. I'm hoping to use what I realize in those moments to condition myself to follow directions & keep the sabbath holy.

Why?

We're really getting honest here. I've been scared to death for years of letting go of the "control" I had on my life. If I truly let God lead me, I know, I KNOW, that I am going to be making changes to my life because for so long my life has been self-fulfilling.

Why?

I don't really enjoy what I'm doing as a "profession". Supposedly, I'm good @ what I do. I make an income that has provided comforts for our family; however, the provision is uncomfortable. I'm one of those folks that wants to do the work once & allow it to continuing to work for me w/out me giving the same effort.

Why?

I absolutely do not see any benefit that I provide to the work that I do. Sure, I may help a company function more efficiently allowing their service to be provided cheaper and the employees to be compensated better, but I don't see that. How do I quanitify that? How does that help me? It doesn't. Have I glorified God w/ what I've been doing?

Why?

My life is not for the glorification of me & those nearest to me. I am to live my life to glorify God in all that I do. That's great. I love that, but I despise what it means. It means I have to change, and I really don't want to. Is there a way that I can slightly change the alignment that will bring all things to the pinnacle of utopian atmospheric conditions that I'm pining for? The problem w/ implementing change in your life is the change part.

Why?

Because of the unknowns. Go back to yesterday and Perspectives. I'm learning that the difference between success and failure is perspective. I don't want to change because of the unknows (what will I have to give up?). I'm working towards...I want to change because of all of the unknowns (what cool things will I be able to find and improve my life & those around me?). I have a lot to learn.

Why?

The more I learn about God the more I'll learn who I am. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to be me w/out worry of what people think about me. If I'm living for Christ and to serve those around me, then I have nothing to hide.

Now, back to the beginning...why am I working here in Baton Rouge every two weeks instead of being home w/ my family? There are many reasons that I can give from many perspectives. I know that I need to be home & want to be there. I'm thankful that this company is allowing me to be home every other week. Was there ever a doubt as to what this would be titled? God has a plan for me.

Why?

Stretch

Last week I had the opportunity to meet a group of folks that wished they would never have had the opportunity to meet me...under those circumstances.

I met a group of kids that could tell me things that they had experienced but didn't fully understand. I met a group of women that had experienced things that wished they never had to explain those same things to those kids. From there, I'm not going to try and assume the mindset of a woman that is living in a support home for battered women.

Our MC has chosen to make an effort to stretch itself. There are many ways that we could do this...intellectually, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc... One of these efforts is to volunteer one afternoon a week @ a battered women's shelter by providing a tutoring program to the children there. I think a "mentoring" program is a much better description of what we are providing.

The kids that were present when I was there ranged in age from 3-16. I'm not going to provide names even though I know that first names are ok to use. I spent the majority of my time w/ one the cutest 3-yr olds you'll ever meet. His demeanor was calm inquisition. He was quite disappointed in my efforts to put together a 100-piece Spider-man puzzle--trust me, so was I. He caught a glimpse of a baseball glove & ball & wanted to know what it was--was it the first time he had ever seen baseball equipment before? It was obvious that he had never played before, but, after we went outside to play, he looked like a natural...as natural as a 3-yr old can look. Will he ever have a positive, adult male influence in his life? Am I the only one he'll have for years to come? What about the influence we're having on the women that are residents of the shelter? What about the workers @ the shelter?

Will they know that Christ loves them? How will they know?

Jesus says that we are to serve. Will these people know that we are doing what Christ commanded us? I don't know. That's not the important part. The purpose is to serve.

Are we stretching ourselves? I think you'd have to ask that to each individual. I'm not being stretched from a time perspective. I'm being stretched emotionally. My love is being stretched. How much of a difference would it make for an adult male to shake hands or hug one of these kids...kids that have been conditioned to tread lightly when around the male influence in their home--the same male influence that triggered the series of events that culminated w/ me meeting them last week?

Many of these families are transient. We are a snapshot-in-time of their lives, an hour & a half. Can I make a difference? Me, no. Me working w/ the Holy Spirit, absolutely. Character is developed over a period of time & life experiences. I need to realize that I am filling a need that I may not see just by being there. Some of these kids will forget me the next day or the next 10 minutes.

Doing the right thing is good. Doing it persistently is dedication. Doing it out of love is of Christ.

Our group can do more to serve. Are we ready as a group? I don't know. Individually, some are.

I know that serving even when I don't see results or results that I expect that I'm still doing what Christ has instructed me to do.

Sometimes the action comes before my heart is ready--that's discipline.

Sometimes the action comes because my heart is ready--that's love.

Perceptions

When I'm honest w/ myself & do a self-evaluation, I see that I still have a long way to go as I aspire to be a christian. One of the performers was Derek Webb (formerly Caedmon's Call member). He made a comment about one of his albums having "a whole lot less cussing on it". This isn't a Jody thing, but I was brought up that christians didn't cuss--a preconception.

Over the last year or so, my lists of "do's" and "don'ts" for what a christian has come under attack...by me. If I am to truly find out who God is, then it is up to me to do things differently. I've always enjoyed heavy rock music since I was a teenager. My brother-in-law, Brent, got me started back when he was dating my sister in high school. Listening to Motley Crue or AC/DC in his little white Nissan was always cool for a skinny little white dude w/ no apparent athletic ability; however, I'm a christian & not supposed to listen to that music. So, I made the comment that I wasn't listening to the words. I jusr really enjoyed the music. I tried to keep the fact that I enjoyed "secular" music not necessarily a secret but not in plain sight or flaunt it.

Funny how the majority of christian artists are influenced by non-christian artists.

See, this is how my thoughts ramble...that's not really the big thing on my mind.

I know I'm not supposed to worry, but as I'm on this quest to know God more, I wonder if I'm leaving Amy out of my little quest. When you have led side-by-side lives for so long w/out realizing you're not living life together, you have to learn how to live the correct life.

Amy & I have haven't truly experienced a loss of something tangible that we held in our hands. What we have felt is the dreams that we've had for ourselves either crushed or compromised to the point of having a hollow feeling when we were finally able to experience them. When you get beat up for so long, superstitiously, you don't won't to talk about it because you don't want to get your hopes up or let someone else in on it.

I'm in Baton Rouge tonight through Thursday afternoon. Thursdays have a special meaning for me when I'm on the road nowadays. When I get home, I love to see the kids react to me being home and the smiles & squeals that I hear. It's nice to be wanted. Later on, I look forward to our Missional Community gatherings over @ the Raymers. It's a time when I can learn more about the man that God wants me to be and to ask questions w/out people judging me...too much...

The morning after...

It's funny that people refer to me as a professional in my line of work.


It's something that I was never hoping to be called but deserve the recognition & compensation that comes w/ it. I've done the work & have earned the moniker, but I can really do w/out the responsibilities associated w/ it.


I guess I've always wanted to be successful, receive no recognition except that folks know I was good @ what I do, and live a comfortable life. It's hard to be successful when you have absolutely no self-confidence and needed approval from people you trusted before doing anything. There's good & bad to that. I feel as though that part of me is starting to fade away or morph into what it really should be.

(amazing how my mind wanders)

When we decided to move to Texas in January 2010, I started to realize that change was ok. It is slightly ironic that during our 11 years of marriage, we've moved 12 times--I guess it all depends on what your fears are that determine your risk assessment of the change. It made me feel a little freer...like I could breathe a little easier.

(hold on...brain is whipping around again)

Last w/end @ the David Crowder Fantastical Church Music Conference, I experienced some of the coolest arrangements of music that I've ever heard. This is the list of bands that performed: Welcome Wagon, Gungor, Paper Route, Derek Webb, Bifrost Arts, Leeland, Israel Haughton, Hillsong London, John Mark McMillan, Civil Wars, Jars of Clay, Mike Crawford & His Secret Siblings, & David Crowder Band.

Now, aside from the normal instruments that most bands used here were a few instruments or things that I was not expecting to see in what amounted to a rock show for most of the artists: a banjo, upright bass, cello, not 1 but 4 xylophones, a Polish folk band from Brooklyn wishing they could have brought sausage & pastries as gifts (Wagon Wheel), 5 guys in one band all playing percussion @ one point (Paper Route), violins, hooter (official name is ???), electronic bass machine in vein of Linkin Park, flute, saxophone & soprano sax (think Kenny G), Gumbo Band (Bifrost Arts picked up a bunch of Baylor music students to play/sing), a triangle, John Mark McMillan is one cool sounding dude w/ an infatuation w/ graves, skeletons et al, Crowder looks like my great aunt Georgia (pronounced 'george-ie'), and there was a 6-foot harp.

I'm listening to "Call Me Out" & "We Will Run" from Gungor's "Beautiful Things" album. Incredible music.

I'm going back to the conference next year if Crowder does it again. It was my first time to see/hear Francis Chan, Rob Bell, & Luis Giglio in person. Thank goodness I recorded the audio from the w/end. I like to review what I hear because I tend to space while listening (and typing).

I have been stretched by Francis & Rob (yeah, we're on a first-name basis). Do I agree w/ everything they say? To be honest, I don't know. I've learned to not have a knee-jerk reaction to something that I have not taken the time to do my own analysis of; however, these guys know what they are talking about.

Challenging my own preconceptions about why I call myself a christian has been an incredible experience for me over the last year or so. Things that have been taken as "truth" for my whole life has now come back into the picture for me to determine, first, what do I believe, why do I believe that, then, ulitmately, am I totally off base here?

The good news is that I know that Jesus Christ is my savior, died & was resurrected to atone for my sins, & he is in heaven anticipating when we can meet face-to-face. I am tasked w/ telling others that he didn't just do this for me.

Since that is what he ultimately wants me to know/do, then, while the rest of this stuff is important, I can relax a little more as I learn more about who I am & who God is to me...all @ my own pace.

I may even take this Sabbath thing seriously too...

What am I stripping away?

I gotta have an outlet.

Over the past year or so, I've been on a sojourn to figure out what it is that's missing in my life. A realization was that I called myself a christian and couldn't explain why.

To find out what I was supposed to do to get to know God more, I realized I had to be honest w/ myself, brutally, unzip-my-fly, honesty that would cause me to analyze parts of my life that I had no desire to revisit. I had to strip off all of the layers I'd built up around myself that had allowed me to live the life that I was comfortable living.

This will give me an outlet for me to recollect the thoughts that are going to allow me learn more about myself. It's a story that I'm hoping to be proud of and learn from.

I don't know what my thoughts will be from one day to the next, but I'll try & post them as I think of them.

I love Amy, Xander, & Aubree. If I'm to be the husband & father that they need, then I need to be willing to be the man God wants me to be--that includes a lot...I'm hoping to chronicle that here.

Buckle up. It's going to be interesting...