Cram

For the first time in a long time, while driving my truck down I-10 yesterday headed towards Baton Rouge, I rode in complete silence for over two hours. Except for the sounds of my truck & vehicles around me, there was no other sound. No radio. No singing. No talking.

I took in the sights of the things that had become a monotonous background to me. I still didn't see everything. I still had to drive, but I did find myself staring to the left & right for 20-30 seconds @ a time @ things that I've missed.

It was an experience that I needed. It was tough to think about doing until I just reached up & turned off the radio while my brain screamed 'No!'.

My life is lived way too fast. I live it in a way so that I don't miss anything; however, I end up missing the things that I really should be paying attention to. I cannot remember the last time I was truly relaxed. Every couple of days, the muscles in my neck nearly lock up to the point that any movement can be excruciating...it's stress.

The two hours from yesterday were my first attempt @ sabbath. It's hard because I'm trying to fit stress into my life. I need to turn it around. If I'm to do that, then I would first need to stop. I don't have time to stop or so I think.

I spend time trying to learn everything about the software that I work w/ so that I can be knowledgeable about everything so that I can make myself more marketable. No way I'll know it all. The software has been in development since the early 1990s, yet I still try & learn it all.

I try and figure out what I'm doing all of this for.

I realize that while I'm always looking back on the fun times & trips that I had w/ my family growing up I realize that I'm not making any new ones w/ my own family.

It seems as though my stress level is directly proportioned (exponential @ times) to the amount of effort I put into trying to manipulate/control things that I have absolutely no power over at all. Am I trying to cram more stuff in or hold on to the things I have?

I just finished a major task on our project last night. I finished up around 2am. I was up for almost 22 hours yesterday. I got 4 hours sleep last night.

The problem w/ all of this...I'm teaching my family how to do the exact same thing.

If I were only able to put my full trust in God, I'm sure things would be different; however, I just have a hard time believing it although I know that it to be true. Just makes the words of Cage The Elephant ring true:

There ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
I know I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
There ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

Every entry that I've written here has been during my time in Baton Rouge. I very rarely pull up our personal laptop @ home. I'm just tired of dealing w/ computers. I've been coding on computers since I was in the 3rd grade.

I need a break.

I believe the time I spent taking a break yesterday was beneficial in helping me find the next step in my path to something that I believe will be a tremendous breakthrough for God's work as far as I'm involved. I believe that I will finally have the true relaxation that I'm lookiing for when I'm sold out in service to God.