I don't know

When I start to write, I don't give it a title until I am done because the words usually go in a totally different direction than I originally intended. Same goes here.

As I randomly have time to write, I'll look @ what is on my mind or is directly in front of me and ask 'Why?'. Powerful word. Dangerous. Life-changing. Don't taunt the answers it gives you if you actually pay attention after inquiring. Listen to your children will give you plenty of practice dealing w/ the question. Sometimes, after you've exhausted your knowledge to them, the answer is "I don't know".

Why?

(listening) As I was getting ready to write here, I started w/ an idea in mind of what I I was going to write & the 'why' behind it. As I started to question the 'why', I realized there was more to it so I changed the title I was thinking about. Yep, I changed it at least three times. I don't know what it should be now. I guess we'll see @ the end.

Why?

(where are you) As I set here today, I take stock of my life as I normally do on Tuesdays. Imagine "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" just w/out all of the funny stuff. I'm tired. I drove in from Houston to Baton Rouge yesterday morning & sat @ work for seven hours before breaking to leave a little after 7pm so that I could grab dinner from Raising Cane's (no, I didn't really want to eat there) and go back to my hotel to work for another two hours. My workload today isn't very heavy. Tomorrow it'll spike, and I'll be in the zone I normally get into when the pressure is on.

Why?

(dig deeper) I realized I have been conditioning myself for years to cram as much "life" into my 24 hours as I could. I have to get ahead. I don't have time to be tired. I have to fill that time w/ productive work, so that @ the end I can take an extended break from whatever. If I'm not doing something, I'm falling behind. My anxiety grows. I can feel the sweat forming on my forehead.

Why?

(keep going) Well, I want to take a break, but I want to earn it. I don't want to be labeled lazy. I want to provide my family w/ the best so that they don't have to worry about their provisions. I want to be known as a dependable, hard worker. I want to be a great husband and father. I don't want people to have anything to complain about when it comes to me.

Why?

(don't stop now) It will make my life easier. I'm not really spending the majority of my time doing something that I really enjoy. I miss spending quality time w/ my family. I want to make their life easier so they don't have any reasons to not spend time w/ me. I want to spend time w/ my friends but don't want them to have excuses either. If I can do all of these things for them, then they can have the time to spend w/ me.

Why?

(now you're rolling) These are things that "I" want. I haven't said anything about God in here @ all. I had moments where I needed to "fill" my life w/ something where I wouldn't fall behind. I needed to stop & take that sabbath time. A 24-hour sabbath is incomprehensible to some folks, like me, but I know that I can take "sabbath moments" to acknowledge God. I'm hoping to use what I realize in those moments to condition myself to follow directions & keep the sabbath holy.

Why?

We're really getting honest here. I've been scared to death for years of letting go of the "control" I had on my life. If I truly let God lead me, I know, I KNOW, that I am going to be making changes to my life because for so long my life has been self-fulfilling.

Why?

I don't really enjoy what I'm doing as a "profession". Supposedly, I'm good @ what I do. I make an income that has provided comforts for our family; however, the provision is uncomfortable. I'm one of those folks that wants to do the work once & allow it to continuing to work for me w/out me giving the same effort.

Why?

I absolutely do not see any benefit that I provide to the work that I do. Sure, I may help a company function more efficiently allowing their service to be provided cheaper and the employees to be compensated better, but I don't see that. How do I quanitify that? How does that help me? It doesn't. Have I glorified God w/ what I've been doing?

Why?

My life is not for the glorification of me & those nearest to me. I am to live my life to glorify God in all that I do. That's great. I love that, but I despise what it means. It means I have to change, and I really don't want to. Is there a way that I can slightly change the alignment that will bring all things to the pinnacle of utopian atmospheric conditions that I'm pining for? The problem w/ implementing change in your life is the change part.

Why?

Because of the unknowns. Go back to yesterday and Perspectives. I'm learning that the difference between success and failure is perspective. I don't want to change because of the unknows (what will I have to give up?). I'm working towards...I want to change because of all of the unknowns (what cool things will I be able to find and improve my life & those around me?). I have a lot to learn.

Why?

The more I learn about God the more I'll learn who I am. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to be me w/out worry of what people think about me. If I'm living for Christ and to serve those around me, then I have nothing to hide.

Now, back to the beginning...why am I working here in Baton Rouge every two weeks instead of being home w/ my family? There are many reasons that I can give from many perspectives. I know that I need to be home & want to be there. I'm thankful that this company is allowing me to be home every other week. Was there ever a doubt as to what this would be titled? God has a plan for me.

Why?